My little parrot

I am so enjoying Finn's age.  You can just see him learning and understanding things.  Every day he seems to pick up something new.

The (somewhat) downside of that is you have to be VERY careful what you say or do in front of him since he likes to imitate you.  Today I got a rag and was cleaning up doggie paw prints.  When I was done I dropped the rag into a laundry pile.

When I turned around Finn had taken the rag out of the pile and was on his hands and knees rubbing the carpet with it!

So cute!

Less cute was later in the day when I dropped something and said "crap!" really loud and heard a little "cap!" from right next to me.

In a larger sense I feel like I really have to think about what personality traits of mine I want to pass on.

There are definitely things I would love for him to get (my kindness, my love of books) and things I would just as soon he skip (my shyness, my temper).  I feel like there is a ticking clock for me to get my act together to be a good role model.

We shall see how it goes...

Look at me go - making friends!

I feel like I am making headway in the whole wanting friends thing.

I blogged earlier about the very nice mom I hung out with.  She and her daughter are coming over again for another playdate on Monday.

I also reached out to a mom I had seen a couple of times and went over to her house this week.  We really had a great time.  I felt like we could talk and had good friend chemistry.

And my every Friday playgroup, which I was having mixed feeling about, I am really starting to enjoy.  I think it just takes me a while to feel comfortable with people and I get impatient for the feeling uncomfortable time to pass.  But I think it has, which is nice.

These are all good things.  Maybe they are in response to the lovely Emily's visit, which had made me happy, but then sad when she left and there was an Emily shaped hole.  But maybe these new friends are being sucked in by the friend void.

And today I was struck with a bubbly feeling I couldn't name until I realized I was feeling happy.  So that's a good thing for sure.

Five things I love about my son

So a bunch of bloggers are doing this "13 (14?) days of love" leading up to Valentine's Day and blogging about things they love and whatnot.  But I missed that blogger memo and so am just doing one nod towards love today.

So, here are five things I love about my baby boy:

1.  His little starfish hands - so cute and tiny - but they're still people hands!  I love it when he pats my face, even if it is all too often the "clawing your eyes out" gateway

2.  His laugh - is there anything cuter than baby laughter?  I think not.  Finn has a dorky indrawn laugh that I completely adore.

3.  His new love of twirling - Finn learned to do this in music class - he now loves twirling until he is dizzy and falls over - then he laughs and laughs

4.  Nursing - yes I am still breastfeeding and while it's sometimes frustrating to not be able to have my husband put him to sleep, I love the feeling of closeness that I get from it and feeling like I am able to meet his needs

5.  How he's imitating everything now - although this is a lot of pressure - Finn is imitating everything we're saying/doing/all the sounds we make.  It's so funny and cute to watch him learn, although I definitely need to watch what I am saying!

The sun is shining!

Only metaphorically.  In actuality it is gross and rainy.  But we are doing better today.

No ripped contacts and no dentists, so right there this day is pretty much a winner.

Finn slept from 7 to 8:30.  I mean, yes, he got up in between to nurse and fuss a little, but he was still pretty much out.

And I have decided to accept that he is ready for just one nap a day, although I will admit that it is hard to give up two naps.  It's not that it's a ton less time asleep (although it is some) but it is hard to give up two breaks in the day where I can put my feet up (often literally) and catch my breath and regroup.

But non napping babies wait for no one so I guess I need to get over it.  Soon he will get better at entertaining himself, right?  At the moment he just wants me me me.  I try to remember that is ten years or so he will want nothing to do with me so I should savor this.

Onward, onward.  It seems to be the only choice available as a mother.

A year in review

My baby is one, which seems unreal. This year has been both the longest and the quickest of my life. I am an entirely different person than I was a year ago. Finn is my first priority, and he affects everything I do from the big to the small and is now the person I spend about 95% of every day focused on.

This year has had the highest highs and the lowest lows. I was completely unprepared for how intense it was going to be.

On the up up upside, I adore my son. I didn’t know that it was possible to love someone this much. I put him before myself every time and it’s usually pretty easy to do. He has a sweet spirit, loves to dance, and has an amazing laugh. It is incredible watching him become this little person. I know I am blessed to be able to stay home with him and I love the intimacy of our relationship.

But there has been a dark side of becoming a mother for me that I did not expect and am still really struggling with. There are times where I don’t think I can get through another minute and at the same time I can see the days and nights and days and nights of taking care of him stretching out endlessly in front of me. Times where I feel like a husk of a person, that I have been crushed, worn down to a powder by his endless endless needs.

And although these times have gotten fewer and farther between as he has gotten older, they have also gotten more difficult because I feel like at this point I should have it down and shouldn’t still be struggling. And it is hard because I often feel so alone. I don’t really hear other moms talking about their difficulties and it’s hard to say “do you ever just hate being a mother” and while my husband tries, I really don’t feel like this is a burden we share, I feel like it’s one I carry alone.

I hate to complain too much, except jokingly, because I feel like something bad will happen and it will be my fault because I didn’t appreciate how good I had it.

So this is me warding off the evil eye. I love my son and would not trade having him for anything, I just wish he came with a little more sleep and the ability to use the bathroom without his company.

A belated Thanksgiving post

So, yes, obviously I am thankful for my beautiful child. And lots of cheesy little things about him – his smile is as bright as the sun, his laughter is like the song of a million hummingbirds, and so on and so forth.

But I’m not super into being cheesy (even when it’s totally genuine) so here are five non cheesy baby things I am thankful for.

1. Baby carriers

I don’t know how mom’s who don’t use these get by – I use mine for hours every day. I wear my baby when he’s fussy or sleepy or when I’m shopping or need to get things done. They are fabulous and when I discovered them my life was changed.

2. Signing time DVDs

Man, Finn loves these. It buys me time in the car and during the day if I need it. And I don’t feel too guilty about him watching them because I think baby signing is a good thing.

3. Balls!

Any way I write this it sounds dirty, but my son is obsessed with balls! We will see if this leads to some sports prowess down the road.

4. Easy cloth diapers

I like cloth diapering because it makes me feel like I’m saving money and helping the environment. I like even better that I live in a time when cloth diapering is easy and doesn’t involve pins and stuff.

5. Happy Baby frozen baby food

Finn is not a baby food fan, but he does like this fresh frozen baby food. And I don’t blame him – it’s tasty! If they made some for adults, I would eat it.

So, thanks to the inventors of all of these products (especially the ball…good one). You make motherhood a little easier.

Some early giving thanks

I often struggle as a mother.  The whole being a mom thing hasn't come easy to me and while I love Finn he's not always the world's easiest baby (I think...I'll admit I don't really have many babies to compare him to).

But then there are days like today that are just...magical.

Finn (who is not a morning baby) was so easy this morning and let me clean up our totally trashed house.

Then he took a two hour morning nap!  And then more baby easyness!  And then another long nap!

I don't know where it's cominng from, but even it's just an early Thanksgiving miracle, I will take it.