Mama said there’d be days (or two…or five…or seven…) like this

Finn has been a terror lately.

And that’s saying something, because he is something of a hellion to begin with (and I say that with love).

Now he’s up at least once an hour all night, sometimes crying and screaming, taking maybe two 20 minute naps a day and generally being fussy and clingy all day.

Why? Why? Why?

Babies need to come with little display panels. It could be like on The Sims where you could tell they were hungry or bored or needed to pee. It would make life a lot simpler.

I am hoping this is teething or demon possession and not just his personality. I am into a week of almost no sleep and it is not making me a particularly happy or functioning woman.

Right now I just quietly chant “it’s a phase, it’s a phase” over and over. I’m too tired to really do much to try and change anything, so I am going for the “this will resolve itself with time” method.

We shall see if I’m right.

A boy and his broom, a love story

My son has many toys. Many, many, many toys.

We have exactly the house I swore we would never have, with primary colored plastic crap piled in every room.

Toys, toys, toys, and he is pretty much completely uninterested in all of them.

Yes, he plays with balls sometimes, but that’s pretty much it. I don’t know if this is true of all babies or just him.

He does enjoy things he’s not supposed to have – the cell phone charge, refrigerator magnets, toilet paper.

But this week he discovered his true love – the broom. He finally managed to wrestle it out of my hand after I was done sweeping and has been carrying it around pretty much ever since. I know he’s going to end up smacking himself in the face or knocking something over, but he’s just so happy I let him have it.

The downside is that when he must be parted from the broom he screams and screams and screams.

Oh babies. So strange.

A year in review

My baby is one, which seems unreal. This year has been both the longest and the quickest of my life. I am an entirely different person than I was a year ago. Finn is my first priority, and he affects everything I do from the big to the small and is now the person I spend about 95% of every day focused on.

This year has had the highest highs and the lowest lows. I was completely unprepared for how intense it was going to be.

On the up up upside, I adore my son. I didn’t know that it was possible to love someone this much. I put him before myself every time and it’s usually pretty easy to do. He has a sweet spirit, loves to dance, and has an amazing laugh. It is incredible watching him become this little person. I know I am blessed to be able to stay home with him and I love the intimacy of our relationship.

But there has been a dark side of becoming a mother for me that I did not expect and am still really struggling with. There are times where I don’t think I can get through another minute and at the same time I can see the days and nights and days and nights of taking care of him stretching out endlessly in front of me. Times where I feel like a husk of a person, that I have been crushed, worn down to a powder by his endless endless needs.

And although these times have gotten fewer and farther between as he has gotten older, they have also gotten more difficult because I feel like at this point I should have it down and shouldn’t still be struggling. And it is hard because I often feel so alone. I don’t really hear other moms talking about their difficulties and it’s hard to say “do you ever just hate being a mother” and while my husband tries, I really don’t feel like this is a burden we share, I feel like it’s one I carry alone.

I hate to complain too much, except jokingly, because I feel like something bad will happen and it will be my fault because I didn’t appreciate how good I had it.

So this is me warding off the evil eye. I love my son and would not trade having him for anything, I just wish he came with a little more sleep and the ability to use the bathroom without his company.