A year in review

My baby is one, which seems unreal. This year has been both the longest and the quickest of my life. I am an entirely different person than I was a year ago. Finn is my first priority, and he affects everything I do from the big to the small and is now the person I spend about 95% of every day focused on.

This year has had the highest highs and the lowest lows. I was completely unprepared for how intense it was going to be.

On the up up upside, I adore my son. I didn’t know that it was possible to love someone this much. I put him before myself every time and it’s usually pretty easy to do. He has a sweet spirit, loves to dance, and has an amazing laugh. It is incredible watching him become this little person. I know I am blessed to be able to stay home with him and I love the intimacy of our relationship.

But there has been a dark side of becoming a mother for me that I did not expect and am still really struggling with. There are times where I don’t think I can get through another minute and at the same time I can see the days and nights and days and nights of taking care of him stretching out endlessly in front of me. Times where I feel like a husk of a person, that I have been crushed, worn down to a powder by his endless endless needs.

And although these times have gotten fewer and farther between as he has gotten older, they have also gotten more difficult because I feel like at this point I should have it down and shouldn’t still be struggling. And it is hard because I often feel so alone. I don’t really hear other moms talking about their difficulties and it’s hard to say “do you ever just hate being a mother” and while my husband tries, I really don’t feel like this is a burden we share, I feel like it’s one I carry alone.

I hate to complain too much, except jokingly, because I feel like something bad will happen and it will be my fault because I didn’t appreciate how good I had it.

So this is me warding off the evil eye. I love my son and would not trade having him for anything, I just wish he came with a little more sleep and the ability to use the bathroom without his company.